Children and Inspiration.

                                  HOW TO INSPIRE CHILDREN TO DO BETTER.

Having worked as a mentor , guide and counselling psychologists for kids for over a decade  , I have developed some really empowering beliefs about inspiring kids .Through this column I wish to suggest some ways  to inspire children to have a growth mindset. But before I dwell deeper into the art and science of the inspiring children, I will prefer to share some underlying facts of my unique and scientific  methodology.

Some insights  that I value  highest  on a scale of one to ten and  that have garnered  in the due course of my work  includes :

1.       Children have all the resources that they will ever need to grow and acheive ;

2.       Children’s map of the world ( their experiences , emotions , perceptions , cognition etc ) is small and very intense ;and most importantly

3.       Children love the feedback but they want it to be constructively wrapped than just critically..

The irony is that most of the time the kids aren’t aware that there’s so much working in their favour and that they need constant reminders and motivational  reinforcements for it.

keeping  the aforesaid pointers in mind  ,  if anyone wishes the kids to have a growth mindset , the action plan has to be as stated:

·         Instead of harping on the problems (personality / life skills/ behavioural flaws related ) we can aid and  be a party to a guided roadmap to where and what  we  want them to be. Just the reinforcement that “You have all that you need “ and some simple life enhancing techniques that emphasise  power  of schedules , Time – management ., Self – motivation , and small simple steps to big outcomes repeated daily over a stipulated period of time can be magical.

·         Children (at least 90% ) are shy, reticent and introvert  because their perception of the world around them (THE MAPS ) or the events and the people is yet not complete and that’s exactly what causes hesitation and inhibitions in them and reflects as over cautiousness in their day to day interactions. Any adult who can understand this and can explain to them that there is always a gap between what they perceive and what stands as a reality is bound to have an inspiring effect on children for sure.

Letting them know  that it is normal is quite comforting .Also creating opportunities for interacting more with their surroundings can actually help them make their maps of the world BIGGER!! And that’s precisely how everyone gets better including we adults.

·         Another crucial factor  in influencing children to do better is the way we give them feedback. Now if I tell you that I have a “SPECIAL SAUCE METHODOLOGY “ to elicit the desired behaviours or that there is a BURGER WAY of give feedback !!!....The beauty of the technique is that it works really well when you ‘ve got to be giving a negative feedback to children and you do not intend to dishearten them or break their morale.

·         Let’s understand now how to facilitate the feedback in this way....the upshot is to sandwich the negative / unpleasant part of your message  (That’s the savoury , spicy patty in the burger )in between some of their positive attributes that they have displayed in recent past(That’s the buger buns )...so the feedback would be outcome oriented and sought after. Remember never ever give an incomplete burger...else it might have a ruining effect .

Remember to start with a positive behaviour / attitudes displayed by kids , put the negative feedback in the middle and top it up with another positive trait and there your BURGER is complete and ready to serve to the children.

This method is a sure shot way to nurturing a growth mindset in children and feedforwards them to  be open to more critical suggestions in future too. They are not defensive about it but they take it as an opportunity to learn and be motivated positively.

It all sounds quite easy to implement but honestly for one to be actually be able to inspire kids , we need to be perfect role models ourselves...don’t they say “Do not worry that your kids don’t listen to you , worry that they are watching you”!!!!!

Let’s not forget that inspiring children to realise their true potential  requires tremendous amount of unlearning to learn spirit and tons of perseverance but the rewards one reaps is way beyond any one can expect in the wildest of their dreams.

HOW TO INSPIRE CHILDREN TO DO BETTER.

Having worked as a mentor , guide and counselling psychologists for kids for over a decade  , I have developed some really empowering beliefs about inspiring kids .Through this column I wish to suggest some ways  to inspire children to have a growth mindset. But before I dwell deeper into the art and science of the inspiring children, I will prefer to share some underlying facts of my unique and scientific  methodology.

Some insights  that I value  highest  on a scale of one to ten and  that have garnered  in the due course of my work  includes :

1.       Children have all the resources that they will ever need to grow and acheive ;

2.       Children’s map of the world ( their experiences , emotions , perceptions , cognition etc ) is small and very intense ;and most importantly

3.       Children love the feedback but they want it to be constructively wrapped than just critically..

The irony is that most of the time the kids aren’t aware that there’s so much working in their favour and that they need constant reminders and motivational  reinforcements for it.

keeping  the aforesaid pointers in mind  ,  if anyone wishes the kids to have a growth mindset , the action plan has to be as stated:

·         Instead of harping on the problems (personality / life skills/ behavioural flaws related ) we can aid and  be a party to a guided roadmap to where and what  we  want them to be. Just the reinforcement that “You have all that you need “ and some simple life enhancing techniques that emphasise  power  of schedules , Time – management ., Self – motivation , and small simple steps to big outcomes repeated daily over a stipulated period of time can be magical.

·         Children (at least 90% ) are shy, reticent and introvert  because their perception of the world around them (THE MAPS ) or the events and the people is yet not complete and that’s exactly what causes hesitation and inhibitions in them and reflects as over cautiousness in their day to day interactions. Any adult who can understand this and can explain to them that there is always a gap between what they perceive and what stands as a reality is bound to have an inspiring effect on children for sure.

Letting them know  that it is normal is quite comforting .Also creating opportunities for interacting more with their surroundings can actually help them make their maps of the world BIGGER!! And that’s precisely how everyone gets better including we adults.

·         Another crucial factor  in influencing children to do better is the way we give them feedback. Now if I tell you that I have a “SPECIAL SAUCE METHODOLOGY “ to elicit the desired behaviours or that there is a BURGER WAY of give feedback !!!....The beauty of the technique is that it works really well when you ‘ve got to be giving a negative feedback to children and you do not intend to dishearten them or break their morale.

·         Let’s understand now how to facilitate the feedback in this way....the upshot is to sandwich the negative / unpleasant part of your message  (That’s the savoury , spicy patty in the burger )in between some of their positive attributes that they have displayed in recent past(That’s the buger buns )...so the feedback would be outcome oriented and sought after. Remember never ever give an incomplete burger...else it might have a ruining effect .

Remember to start with a positive behaviour / attitudes displayed by kids , put the negative feedback in the middle and top it up with another positive trait and there your BURGER is complete and ready to serve to the children.

This method is a sure shot way to nurturing a growth mindset in children and feedforwards them to  be open to more critical suggestions in future too. They are not defensive about it but they take it as an opportunity to learn and be motivated positively.

It all sounds quite easy to implement but honestly for one to be actually be able to inspire kids , we need to be perfect role models ourselves...don’t they say “Do not worry that your kids don’t listen to you , worry that they are watching you”!!!!!

Let’s not forget that inspiring children to realise their true potential  requires tremendous amount of unlearning to learn spirit and tons of perseverance but the rewards one reaps is way beyond any one can expect in the wildest of their dreams.

SIBLING REVELRY

There’s another man in my life who is as precious , if not more as my hubby dear. I cherish every moment of my life spent with him. In fact I have spent some of the best years of my life with him.

They say ‘BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND WHEN IT COMES TO HIM’ , I agree no less.

What better occasion than this Raksha Bandhan than to thank my only Brother for being  my  first playmate , a true friend , a empathetic  guide , a genius mentor and above all for being the perfect role model who  shaped up all the choices- personal and professional that got in so far in life. Of course like all other siblings we have had our own share of conflicts  ,arguments and fights but none of them had the power to affect the deep bonding and camaraderie that made us the “Rocking Twosome”.

I reminisce with fondness on how together we grew up on fables of love , care , relationships , compromise and understanding and many more values that forging a bond of sibling revelry came so naturally to us and it wells up our hearts with so much concern of him even to this day when both of us are entering our early 40s. Its a strong realisation  today that your sibling is the only one who does not judge you or pull you down despite knowing you in and out. The memories of a revelry that grew strong over board games we played , the scented erasers (erasers and its various varieties were not so easily available at that time ..scented ones were an absolute luxury ) or stamp collection that we collected  ,climbing the mango trees at our native place which we visited every june , playing numerous other games outdoors with our big bunch of friends like skipping the big long rope , PITHOOS , and last but not to forget with his priceless possession- a remote controlled glider.

As I grew a little older I could see how subtly he shifted gears from a loving and caring BRO to  a protective bodyguard with eagle like gaze on things around me (especially Boys).He did add a lot of spice to my youth days, though by sharing his big collection of cassettes on popular English songs ,by keeping enough patience as I took time to learn to ride his favourite mobike ,by gifting me some really amazing stuff from his fist salary and so much more.

I cannot  for get the day when we lost our mother to a cruel turn of destiny.  He was the one who said “If so much of crying would get her back , let’s do it together”. His words pierced me  deep within and helped me collect myself and to come to terms to our ground realities and to take on many more responsibilities that awaited to be shouldered in that moment.

Life , indeed has been a riot of fun , excitement , learning and growing with my sibling. Of course there have been our share of grey moments but together we have always basked in the glory of the realisation that “Every Dark Cloud Has A Silver Lining” and that every problem has a solution...Keeping the faith in the adage in word and spirit , we continue to invest in our relationship and  cherish it as we stand  to gain so much knowledge and life skills lessons from each other without inventing the wheel all over again.

We are determined to take our revelry to eternity despite all odds or differences that abound.

SIBLING REVELRY

There’s another man in my life who is as precious , if not more as my hubby dear. I cherish every moment of my life spent with him. In fact I have spent some of the best years of my life with him.

They say ‘BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND WHEN IT COMES TO HIM’ , I agree no less.

What better occasion than this Raksha Bandhan than to thank my only Brother for being  my  first playmate , a true friend , a empathetic  guide , a genius mentor and above all for being the perfect role model who  shaped up all the choices- personal and professional that got in so far in life. Of course like all other siblings we have had our own share of conflicts  ,arguments and fights but none of them had the power to affect the deep bonding and camaraderie that made us the “Rocking Twosome”.

I reminisce with fondness on how together we grew up on fables of love , care , relationships , compromise and understanding and many more values that forging a bond of sibling revelry came so naturally to us and it wells up our hearts with so much concern of him even to this day when both of us are entering our early 40s. Its a strong realisation  today that your sibling is the only one who does not judge you or pull you down despite knowing you in and out. The memories of a revelry that grew strong over board games we played , the scented erasers (erasers and its various varieties were not so easily available at that time ..scented ones were an absolute luxury ) or stamp collection that we collected  ,climbing the mango trees at our native place which we visited every june , playing numerous other games outdoors with our big bunch of friends like skipping the big long rope , PITHOOS , and last but not to forget with his priceless possession- a remote controlled glider.

As I grew a little older I could see how subtly he shifted gears from a loving and caring BRO to  a protective bodyguard with eagle like gaze on things around me (especially Boys).He did add a lot of spice to my youth days, though by sharing his big collection of cassettes on popular English songs ,by keeping enough patience as I took time to learn to ride his favourite mobike ,by gifting me some really amazing stuff from his fist salary and so much more.

I cannot  for get the day when we lost our mother to a cruel turn of destiny.  He was the one who said “If so much of crying would get her back , let’s do it together”. His words pierced me  deep within and helped me collect myself and to come to terms to our ground realities and to take on many more responsibilities that awaited to be shouldered in that moment.

Life , indeed has been a riot of fun , excitement , learning and growing with my sibling. Of course there have been our share of grey moments but together we have always basked in the glory of the realisation that “Every Dark Cloud Has A Silver Lining” and that every problem has a solution...Keeping the faith in the adage in word and spirit , we continue to invest in our relationship and  cherish it as we stand  to gain so much knowledge and life skills lessons from each other without inventing the wheel all over again.

We are determined to take our revelry to eternity despite all odds or differences that abound.

PDA : Times When Love Goes Wrong!

As we move on with life with its various mesmerising manifestations like love , fear , hope , despair , phobia , attraction and more , we are delighted by some of them and disgusted with many others. Well , without beating around the bush any further let me clarify what I am hinting at. Abbreviated as PDA , ‘Public display of affection’ has undertones that might induce a feeling of discomfort and embarrassment to the onlookers , especially when the couple engrossed in the same acts irresponsible and oblivious of the surroundings.

In a country like India, where all things to do with sex are discussed in a hush-hush tone and kept under the wraps  , PDA comes across as a cultural shock without doubt.

Well let me start from the very beginning , it is about last Saturday , 15 august..when we decided to have our breakfast at Macdonald ‘s.  It is supposed to be a kids friendly place with a perfect setting for a family’s day out. It being the Independence day , we decided to take some liberties and have great fun. As we entered the place , aromas of fresh and mouth watering stuff engulfed us .The place was smug and clean and the staff wore a servile smile to serve some real good English breakfast.Post some ordering as we settled down to have the treat my eyes fell on a young girl still in her pyjamas ,sipping some coffee and pouring over a national daily kept there .

A host of thoughts crossed my mind like the Independence today’s youth have , the calmness she would be experiencing in the midst of a bustling public place (given that such moments elude me post marriage and two kidsL ) and so many more. It was encouraging to see how women today have really found themselves and are so comfortable in their skin that they are no more looking for validations from the society for all the things they want to have...including the quintessential ME time!

But all  these empowering thoughts about independence , women empowerment , global thinking & their taking charge were shattered soon. There arrived this young man in his exercise gear and the two shared an intense smooch. Not that I have anything against being in love neither do I belong to any anti –love moral  brigade but I do believe that Love in full public glare should know its limits .Culturally , we talk and walk so much of Indian values with our kids that such acts of random intimacy can unsettle us anytime.

Accompanied by a son who is yet to turn 8 Yrs and a daughter who’s embarking on the verge of early adulthood , this PDA – from intense smooch to hugging and caressing oblivious of the world around was too much to handle. We felt as if we have entered into somebody’s bedroom. It was  shocking , embarrassing and disgusting.

Freedom or Independence is one liberating thing but misusing it and forgetting one’s limits is at an another tangent altogether. While all love birds have every right to be together in their own way , acceptable  of course(goes without saying!) , we refuse to give them liberties to infringe on our rights. I wish to rest my case with an open appeal to all those engaging in PDA at the drop of the hat, It would go something like this-

“Love is an amazing feeling but draw the line , exercise restrain and ensure that you do not breach the freedom of others in the vicinity. It is not a favour you do to them but it’s a moral obligation and all the more a responsibility towards all those young people around you because they look up to you as their future role models. Inspire them to think globally but act locally .And better still  leave a few things to imagination only.”

                          RAIN RAIN GO AWAY ...COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!                                  

              Come rains and all memorable events from our childhood come gushing back and make a beeline. The good old childhood days of rushing to the rooftop and drenching in rains to the core, Playing in the rain in the  driveways and cycling in the streets on wet muddy puddles  ,we actually threw all caution to air. Post that we gobbled up the hot Pakoras , Maal puaas ,Jalebis, Samosa and more of such fried delicacies..after all those hectic engagements calories was never a concern for us or our mommies. Oh! How I miss those good old daysJ.

TAKE TWO: Come rains and there is no more rushing out to get drenched. Hearing the adventures of the same from mommy or papa is enough to do the trick. Even when the kids genuinely want to enjoy the rains there is every possible discussion in the house about how rains have a direct connection with the cough-cold-allergies , fungal and bacterial infections that can make the kids unwell and in bed for days , of how pollution and environmental hazards( dirt and dust etc) have made rainwater unfit for all purposes. Yes they can now be complacent with eating pakoras (though in balance: thanks to all the reports on OBESITY IN KIDS TODAY!!!! ) , hot chocolate milk or maalpuaas (a luxury: provided mommy dear is in a mood too cook and has been handed over the recipe ).

Its not that today’s kids do not love the smell of wet soil when it rains , the pitter patter of raindrops and the heavenly feeling of raindrops falling on their bare body but I guess with so many new and medicine resistant infections /allergies cropping up these days , we as parents are quite happy watching rains from a distance and so is with our kids. Enjoying rains have taken a new meaning. Today rains is more about hopping into the cars for a long drive , checking into a drive through  the likes of Macdonalds to have a hot snacky bite and return home  ensuring that not even a single rain drop touches our body ..after all its about enjoying the rains with all the caution gear on!!!

I feel we were blessed to witness some really wonderful times where rains were about pure abandoned fun & enjoyment rather than a compromise .Today rains dilute the fun quotient by bringing along the worries of getting unwell , of choosing extra carefully what to eat (hygiene concerns abound )and where not to eat  ,of being caged indoors (NO PARK TIME for kids!!!), OF MOSQUITO BITES and infections like malaria, gastroenteritis ,etc  ,water logged streets and bad traffic and so much more. Though rains are a soothing anchors for us adults yet keeping the reality of environmental changes and concerns in mind we should not mind being flexible and tweaking our patterns to create some new age memories.

In the present scenario the upshot should be “Enjoy the rains despite the odds but keep updating your past models and memories by building up on your kitty of wow- moments for the wonderful rainy season.”