Stop tempering with the Introvert temperament of your child .

With each of us getting used to so much of commotion , clatter and fracas around us in the form of opinions that abound , ringers that announce a text or just a plethora of forums voicing some or the other views every now and then , it is but obvious that we are conditioned to believe that all noise around speaking is good and the only way forward in today's competitive times.
And while juggling around all these beliefs, when one is blessed with a child or a partner who is wired an introvert, the immediate response is to initiate actions to turn them around into a more vociferous ones, almost on a war footing!
"Introversion is a lack of confidence"
"Introverts are lacking the assertiveness"
"Introverts will be at a disadvantage in life if they don't change"
"Others( extroverts) will manipulate them and get their way."
....and blah blah blah!!!!

The ones above are all those beliefs that limit your perception of an intelligent , creative , empathetic , real and the most trusted individuals - 'THE INTROVERTS'.
YES , YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!
Of late the first thing a parent or a partner wants me to turn around through my scientific interventions is that they (kids/ adults alike) do not open up , are choosy with sharing and not participating enough on a day to day basis.
 Ask any parent who have been to a Parent Teacher Meeting recently and they'll vouch that its seems like an epidemic engulfing the majority and is being projected as if if their kids don't make that noise around it all , they seem to be challenged.
As a result , I write here today to highlight the often undervalued and ignored aspects of the 'introverts' that are worth their weight in gold.
Though my list of what defines them as being assets is huge yet I choose to bring out the five beautiful aspects for better appreciation

1. INTROVERTS ARE CREATIVE AND INTELLIGENT:In my training, I have observed the kids/adults who speak less are definitely not the one who care less too.They are often the ones who come up with more relevant and out of box thought processes. They also are able to reproduce the content but only when asked and mostly not on their own. But as long as they are able to practically answer and use the content , what's the big deal around asking or answering on their own.The yardstick needs to change keeping the uniqueness of individuals in mind .
2. INTROVERTS ARE IN LOVE WITH SELF: Being in love with self has immense benefits and indicates an unshakable confidence in one's abilities and choices. They comprehend their emotions and responses far more deeply than their chatter box counterparts.
3. INTROVERTS ARE SENSITIVE , CARING AND CAN EFFORTLESSLY STEP INTO OTHERS SHOES: Being in love with self requires emotional depth and that's exactly why an introvert silent presence is more comforting and the connect more deeper. Their knowledge of people is comparatively more intense and thorough and their abilities to give you complete attention is unmatched too.
4. INTROVERTS ARE AUTHENTIC:Their ability to be what they are and to be more oriented towards the real than drama make them the most REAL people around. They may choose to change around you but their attention to no-nonsense conversations stays.
5. INTROVERTS ARE MYSTERIOUS- They may not make the noise but they are very much there with their antennae tuned in to  every important piece of information around. Just a smile across the room or a quick friendly glimpse from a corner is enough to brighten them up.

I would any day choose loyalty , authenticity , empathetic listening over the noisy cacophony and hubbub. You hear another introvert there...You are mistaken my dear:)
My experience , exposure and education has made be an ambivert over time but isn't it true that choices and flexibility only makes one more powerful.

So what do you think turning around an introvert or simply let them be?
look forward to hear from you .Please share your opinion in comments.

THE REAL REASONS BEHIND BAD BEHAVIOR IN KIDS!!!

The term bad behavior is a Pandora box in itself and encompasses loads of stuff like the small innocuous ones of  being jealous , angry , careless of their stuff , ill-managed about their belongings, sibling rivalry etc to some really  big and obnoxious ones like using expletives , stealing , bullying , lying , peer pressure inspired foul language & shallow behaviors and attitudes , irresponsible actions – drinking , smoking , doing drugs , befriending and meeting up with strangers on online platforms  , acting vain , etc and  believe me the list is huge...

As a parent these might seem daunting enough but instead of exploring them individually, I want to explore it on the whole as I believe that there are a few things that if implemented as rules or family culture would certainly build a consensus and give space enough for all in the unit to live according to their individual likings, tastes and aspirations but in a cohesive manner.

While there is little a parent can do to prevent their kids from influences especially negative ones coming from the social circle of their kids, yet they can always build up the counter effect by pumping up the power of positive inputs at home and influences to have a balancing effect.

A few reasons that I have been able to understand regarding unreasonable behaviors in kids are:

·         A DOMINATING PARENTING STYLE: To maintain a healthy Family environment scale, we need to be promoting discussions and involve kids in decisions about them. It not about promoting your pre conceived ideas and notions but to build consensus to reach a mutually agreeable decision to the problems in hand.

A dominant style hinders is one sided and thus resented that later culminates into rebellion.

An overly pampering and lenient parenting has its own demerits too.

A parent needs to choose a middle path that is a balanced mix of the two.

·         SUPPRESSING THEIR NEEDS OR IGNORING THEIR DEMANDS POINT BLANK: Kids today have access and exposure to so many groups / platforms and are fully aware of the latest in different fields. Instead of expecting them to be a follower in today’s era of being leaders, let’s be reasonable and open about their demands, help them see things, situations and people in right perspectives rather than simply using coercion or power-play games.

·         INFLUENCES AROUND THEM: While there is no dearth of television programs showing scheming, power plays, criminal tendencies blatantly, the kids are flooded with conflicting emotions and responses to various day- to-day situations and going by their own limited judgements and lack an over- busy parents or guardians, they are bound to falter.

·         IDENTITY FORMATION STAGE: Lots of kids with low self esteem and below average self concept are easily swayed by peers and their pressures. They seek to look great, dress like celebrities or like film stars, etc that occupy big space in our national dailies. With immature systems, they are not able to see beyond their fashionable looks and dresses and get into a vicious cycle of a shallow identity.

while some find solace in being overly in brands , others might get a step further and indulge in behaviours or substances forbidden for their age.

·         LACK OF REAL TIME ROLE MODELS:  With the family getting nuclear, the guiding angels in a child’s life are very less and too distant to guide and come to their rescue when needed. Also Double income parenting hardly leaves parents with any energy to indulge in some meaningful stuff except mindless cinema viewing and mall hopping and numbing their senses with shopping, good food and good times.

·         SCHOOLS PRIORITY ON VALUE – EDUCATION: schools are so busy doing

un-conventional stuff like robotics , space- workshops ,cubing, etc for the primary classes too that the poor old world subject of developing values in kids while they are still young , has literally no takers.

If you are too keen on it and have energies left after your work and getting them weekly UT ready etc, it is humanly pretty challenging too.

Hence it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that it’s not the kids but the constant exposure of mixed influences that is playing foul. To top it all, their biological (both physical and hormonal)changes work against them like for example their circadian cycle changes such  that it  is to be blamed for sleeping late at night and taking their own sweet time to get up in the day , their white / grey matter (in the brain) that affects their talking and reasoning in a way that it sounds like arguing and irresponsible responses and so much more.

Despite it all, Parent’s role today has become very crucial and they need to be on a constantly learning, unlearning and evolving with times journey . They need to develop empathy, patience and discussion skills to emerge a winner with their parenting and kids that are sorted.

SOCIAL MALADIES- PART1

As she tossed in bed wanting desperately to get some sleep , she could experience that nagging pain in her shoulders and her arms that reminded her of that sour note on which her morning began today.

The sight of that beautiful pendant as an anniversary gift made her loose her composure and she sobbed her heart out. To mark  fourteen years of togetherness , the lovely twosome thought of investing in the latest from the Mia collection of Tanishq as a gift worth remembering.

Who would have guessed , it would be gone in a jiffy and that too just like that- no warning,  nothing!

There wasn't anything amiss in that morning except that Anish wanted to catch on some extra sleep . Being the loving soul that she always been , Kaavya tagged her boy along , busy chatting and reminding him of some to-do stuff at school and bid him a bye as the bus lugged in. In a fraction of seconds , she felt something suffocating around her neck only to realize that her most cherished piece of jewellery- the pendant with the chain has been snatched in broad daylight.

While still in shock she chased the rascals on the bike and was surprised how her otherwise lethargic body cooperated and helped gain momentum. Haven't been too far that she lost her balance, fell down and bruised her shoulder , elbows and knees.She got up embarrassed and confused as to what pained her most -the loss of her favorite pendant that just got brutally snatched or the shattered faith that"YOU 'LL NEVER BE WRONGED IN LIFE IF YOU DO GOOD DEEDS"!!

While still visualizing it all like a movie , she dozed off  like a log only to get up and  face the next day in the only way she knew best-"DO GOOD ANYWAYS" but feeling cheated , pained and angry about that unfortunate date with chain snatching:(

 Hearing about chain snatching is common place these days but being one on the victim side is full of feeling cheating and disappointed...What would be your feelings on this social malady?

TWELVE POINTERS TO DEVELOP RESILIENT KIDS- kids who bounce back and confront challenges boldly!

While I struggled last week to write on a topic of immense value to my readers , I chanced upon this post talking about the high court’s decision to instruct schools to do away with mathematics as a subject considering it posed challenge . Are we serious to even think on such lines?

WILL IT NOT ROB THEM OF THE ZEAL TO DO THE CHALLENGING STUFF ?

WON’T IT TO MAKING IT ALL SO EASY THAT THEY WOULD LOOSE ALL THE POWER TO PERSEVERE AND ACHIEVE THE TOUGH?

I mean first they wanted to pass all kids till class VIII , then doing away with challenging yet important subjects like maths and God knows what’s next on the list.

Before we get into a debate on how good or bad these decisions are , we need to get the grip on the fact that things / situations like traffic , an exam gone wrong , a project hanging on the head , friendships and the games people play , overall day to day living  around us are changing for the bad( Read stressful and chaotic )and it’s a parents duty to foster caring would –be adults in family and community with  self regulation skills  , positive self concept , motivation , optimism , ownership of their actions and personal control .

Simply put RESILIENCE means “springing back” or “rebounding after stress or adversity”. It will ensure that our kids meet life’s challenges and pressures with elan and perseverance and prepare for success in all areas of their future life.

TWELVE SIMPLE SUTRAS TO EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY RESILIENT KIDS:

1.          COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY AND LISTEN ACTIVELY: Parents need to listen with undivided attention and validate what their kids are saying , even if they do not agree with their views.
2.        BELIEVE IN THEIR WORTH: Parents must make their kids feel special and appreciated . Telling them “ I BELIEVE IN YOU ‘ is miraculous. to add up to the magic would be family emotional support. If you seriously want resilient kids  , our words and actions must convey that none of their questions is silly or irrelevant.
3.             BEING ACCEPTING : Parents need to accept their kids for their unique temperaments. By accepting children as they are , we set realistic expectations for us and for them too resulting in more satisfying and less tense parent – child relationship
4.          FOCUSING ON STRENGTHS: Problems faced cannot be denied but a parent’s focus on their strengths rather than over emphasizing their weaknesses is a way forward to kids wanting to do a  course- correction with least resistance.
5.          VIEWING MISTAKES AS LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES : Responding their mistakes with belittling or demeaning comments is a sure shot way to a lost plot. Help them see an opportunity and experiences to learn and grow there.
6. .       FOSTERING A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY: ..compassion and a social conscience by providing opportunities to children to make contributions at home , school or community are plenty these days..CAPITALIZE ON THEM J
7. .       MAINTAIN A DAILY ROUTINE AND USE DISCIPLINE : children should know that they are loved and cared for unconditionally but the realization that they cannot get away with whatever they want has to be built in too. Maintaining a balance of giving in and firmness is suggested. However using discipline to intimidate or humiliate will spoil it all for you.
8. .       STICKING TO A ROUTINE has been found to be comforting to children especially young kids who crave structure in their lives. Encourage them and guide as needed to have his or her own routines.
9.          GIVE THEM CHOICES: Help them by modelling problem solving behaviour by allowing them to experience success or failure resulting fro, their choices within a supportive framework. Choosing and following up with their choices gives them deeper insights into their decisions while they are learning to be responsible under your able hand holding.
10. 10.   RESILIENCE IN YOUR PARENTING PERSONA: Problem solving and decision making are two important components of Resilience. Showcase the two often in your parenting in a regular day and let it help your children use as a guiding light to a sense of control in their own lives
11. 11.   MOVE TOWARDS GOALS: Teach children to make reasonable goals and move towards getting them in a step at a time. Inculcate a sense of achievement by acknowledging every small step towards achieving their goals...remember “what you appreciate appreciates”-completed goals or the pending half??
12. 12.   ACCEPT THAT CHANGE IS THE WAY OF LIFE BUT ONE HAS TO MAINTAIN PERSPECTIVE AND BE HOPEFUL: Change has always been scary. Helping them see times when change has actually been good  , how changes from one class to another have been a good change and more would be helpful to install a belief that change is part of life and one can cope. A positive and hopeful outlook  will support our children to see good things in life to keep coping and going ahead with a smile , even in hardest of times that abound these days.

Take a break , align schedules but do not worry endlessly , Be flexible but start with yourself by:

·         Assume responsibility to change ,

·         Understand the set of problems , goals or decisions you would want to achieve,

·         Evaluate what all has been done to achieve the above and why it hasn’t worked out,

·         In case you fail , try again , handle your frustration for the sake for raising your RESILIENT bunch!!!

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5 WAYS TO CREATE MORE TIME IN LIFE !!

Today life has become so fast paced that we all often take refuge in memories of good olden days when things moved easy , competition was less and social setups kept one going.But don’t they say ..”What cannot be cured must be endured”. keeping this fact in mind , let’s look at the 5 ways that can help us create more time in life. each one of them does emphasize the basics to be sorted but unless we are ready to step out of our comfort zones , I feel that creating more time will only be a distant dream to realize

.1.   PLANNING AND PRIORTIZING TASKS A NIGHT BEFORE AND PENNING IT DOWN:It is often said that  best results are generated at the end of the day if the best ideas are jotted an evening before or at the beginning of the day! Its just a matter of creating a focused approach by writing it in a diary and retaining it as a ready reckoner to small and big goals , remembering small stuff and be on the top of it all.Planning a night before (preferably) or max by early morning and keeping it at a place where referring it a couple of times is possible can be bulls-eye.

2.      EARLY TO BED AND EARLY TO RISE:This one may be too cliché and old school but believe me it has to be followed to see the magic. If one tweaks a little of early to bed / early to rise routine , creating time would be no big deal.On a more personal level , I feel a 45 minutes- 1 hour sleep in the afternoon , can be refreshing and great to extend the waking hours and hence more time.

3.      STICK TO SCHEDULES AND BE ORGANISED:There are times you are labelled as perfectionists if you stick to your focus on what you have set out to achieve. But if you do not , the damage done is quite big indeed.Initiate it in your or your kid’s life quite early on in life.introducing ids to these concepts of living an organised life is absorbed as naturally as water to sponge....You need to put your inhibitions aside though.

4.      BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF SYNERGISTIC INPUTS FOR LARGER BENEFIT:One cannot “Be all and know all” but if you are part of right groups (plenty out there !!) and can entrust your needs to the right people / domain experts , you would have some breathing space for yourself and avoid everyday menial jobs to eat into your time. A very simple example could be outsourcing the regular days work of your child / household tasks while you supervise and do more skill based stuff on your own

.5.      CREATING TIME ON OLD MINDSETS IS NOT POSSIBLE:How about rewriting your mental scripts / beliefs that support your goals of getting up early , being more planned , organised and sticking to schedules.

• Remind yourself of big pay-offs to such simple changes.
• one master script that can support long time would be ..”I WILL DO IT NOW OR IT WILL NEVER GET IT DONE.” 

If these are too big and over-whelming changes for you , go slow but steady. Approach them one by one and take your time. Do not be flustered if you fail in first few times, isn’t it said ..there are no free lunches in life!

WHILE MY HEAD DOUBTS , MY HEART BEATS FOR A PROMISING TOMORROW

When I log online I feel we as woman have , indeed , come a long way. One step out into the real world , I see many men deciding when , with whom and where can their wife / sisters or mothers may go , the dresses they may wear and all the decisions regarding their well being , interests , finances , friends , children , work and more .

Also there is this  one complete segment of woman from all economics sects for whom the marriage is sacrosanct and the world in itself..Barring a few exceptions the fact remains that celebrating WOMANHOOD on just a day out of 365 days is far from a fair deal in light of given facts .

Another unfairness that stares in our face is a big thought provoking question: “IS WOMEN’S DAY AN ELITIST PHENOMENON IN INDIA??

Earlier violations and violence against woman was real time happenings and they continue to be so to date. .Now there’s another dimension to it : VIRTUAL violations...which by all means can be really toxic. Majorly the issues raised online were the urban rage incidents or where the rights of urban woman were violated. The angst of the virtual world were more for the ones of their own kinds. The missing link of the trans- sectional nature make it pretty shallow.

 To be true to its spirit of the  woman’s day as it started in 1917 -marking women’s contribution and partnership towards world’s growth , economy , and development  , its repercussions need to seep down to the grass roots , then positively affect the woman en-mass and address their day to day lived experiences . At the cost of sounding pessimist , I must say we haven’t even reached half-way.sad but true!

I heave a heavy breath of disillusionment  as I sit to put into words the tussle between my well meaning head and a well lived heart. I can take a stance to actively celebrate one with all the frills of consumerism- the cards , flowers , discounts on beauty treatments and loads of other freebies around me or I can spare a day to thoughts of taking stock if we have really arrived.

The mood for this day-  a day just before the D-day on 8 March is to feel blessed for my cool- sisters online associations, for being able to exercise my independence of speech , work, dressing , behaviors , supporting patriarchy and much more , but not without accepting the woes of many more of my tribe.

I still know that there are many who can’t afford to speak what they feel , what they would love to do , the way they would want to dress , the people they would like to meet , the places they would die to visit , the way they would want their relationships to bloom , the goals they want to actualise , or the basic respect & acknowledgement that they would love to feel in the eyes of people in their environment. None of these seem to be a very big demand but denied even than. I am yet to think of ways or points of origin from where WOMEN’S DAY becomes a  source of new power , ideas and fresh struggles across all sects of women in our society. But the few places to begin with could be

·        Thanks to Technology , you can sit at home and upgrade a few skills , connect with a like-minded set of people , explore motivational stories of how others in similar situations turned it around for good .

·        Spend time with self- know your true feelings strengths and weakness , threats and opportunities; explore effective ways of managing stress ( more so if you are in a toxic environment) ,nurture your body with good food , thoughts ,meditation, reading ,listening to your favourite music .All this will give you a perspective and give you strength to face the situations and finally turning the tables.

·        Seek help from various women helplines , speak out and DO NOT withdraw in a cocoon.

·        Accept the fact that it is not feasible to separate women struggles from support from men. Supportive patriarchy can be a point of great strength .Accepting facts make things bearable.

·        ...but not challenging repressive patriarchy could be the end of dreams and desires atleast in this lifetime.

While I still reflect and analyze on what could be a better way to initiate something worth it on this women’s day , gain some solace in the fact that there are many who are at an equal playing field and have waged a revolution back home on Gender quality with their kids , You go and start taking small affordable risks & actions to see a change in your environment. Be rest assured it is worth the effort!

Have an empowering women’s day that paves the way for even more strength in coming years.

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I WANT TO BE FREE- “ ARENT THEY BIG ENOUGH TO MANAGE!!!

These days all mommies (ok , most mommies) are so particular about their ME –TIME that it has become an almost universal complain that you get to hear as “The kids are big enough now (it applies for ages as early as 6 years) and ought to understand that I have limited time post work and other stuff.Its high time they become independent and do not need my constant reminders to do things “

Poor little ones , being ill equipped , flounder badly and there starts the whole jinga-lala business of being judgmental about their actions , critical of their ways of being & doing and in extreme cases comparisons with other kids (irrespective of their environments or support systems or exposures)

Personally I feel there are some simple yet effective ways to be free..Free to have more time to do things you want.

 Read on:

• ·         You have amassed quicker , smarter and time saving ways to do things overall. Instead of letting your kids take time and re-invent the wheel , take the lead to guide them and help them implement it actively. It implies you are not spoon feeding them but it certainly means teaching them your strategies of better Time – management, organising , referencing , quicker reading or multitasking tasks , mannerisms , and much more .It will help them save time and offers them a powerful choice to their existing repertoire of skills.
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• ·         Your presence around the child while he engages in meaningful activities builds an emotional support and connect. To double up the benefits  , share your life experiences and you can add lots of value to their development both mental and physical.
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• ·         The concentrated efforts , interest and inputs that you can provide are way above the ones given by a tuition- teacher / or enrichment classes. Of course there are exceptions but considering the sporadic availability of business oriented guidance the rule is definitely otherwise. YOUR STAKES ARE NO DOUBT HIGHER WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CHILD!!!
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• ·         It is our duty as a mother to not just provide food for the body to our kids but to take equal responsibility to serve them food for thoughts , right behaviours , decisions . and actions. The wholesome growth of kids is the only way towards freedom for a mom. All mommies investing energies in their kids while they are still young , get free once the ground work is in place ( I feel class 8^th should be a good milestone to keep in mind , to bring out the best in them ) .
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• ·      Ground work would involve teaching and showing them the nitty - gritties of planning & organising , Reading skill types ( skimming / scanning /study / speed reading)love for learning , gradual note making , scheduling tasks , sticking to time frames are just to name a few , with far reaching results.
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IF DESPITE IT ALL  , YOU STILL WANT TO KEEP YOUR ME- TIME AS SACRED , REVISIT YOUR BALANCING ACT IN LIFE. WITH A LITTLE PLANNING AND PUTTING FIRST THINGS FIRST (WHICHEVER WAY IT GOES FOR YOU: FROM THE CHILD TO YOU OR VICE VERSA)  , IT COULD BE A CAKE WALK (OR SHOULD I SAY “CAT WALK “)TOWARDS MORE FREE TIME...SCRIPT IT THE WAY IT SUITS YOU MOMS.